Marriage is Sometimes Troublesome to Explain
by lave en fusion
Summary: When Mrs Weasley finds a letter saying that Hermione married one of her sons in secret, she sets out to learn who it is, not expecting the answer she would get
1. Announcement

This is dedicated to doom mongerer. If you read this, know that it was inspired by _Little Hands_, a cute story.

Marriage is Sometimes Troublesome to Explain

A screech woke everyone up at seven in the morning.

"When did this happen?!"

Everyone, still a bit groggy, rushed down the stairs to find Mrs Weasley holding a letter in her trembling hands. Her face became a furious kind of red, and furious was the right way to describe her right now. She silently gave the letter to her husband and showed him the precise sentences she wanted him to read out loud.

"Err…Right, darling…"How wonderful our wedding was! I almost can't believe I married you! Your idea of eloping isn't bad, but I couldn't possibly do that to your mother, since we already deprived her of planning our wedding, not to mention she also doesn't know we dated in the first place…"Sweet Merlin, Molly, who wrote this?"

"Hermione."

The word said it all. Hermione, apparently, had married one of her boys, as she said in the letter, but unfortunately didn't mention who. So she was reduced to asking each of her sons if they were the one who went behind her back and date the girl and get married _and_ proposed to elope.

So that was why she convoked each of her sons in turn in the kitchen. Hermione had gotten up in the mean time and, after a satisfying shower, had gone down, only to be directed into the living room by the famous Weasley glare coming from the matriarch of the family.

Puzzled, she entered the room where all eyes were suddenly on her. Uncomfortable, she walked to the couch, lifted George's head to sit down and eased it on her lap. She began petting his hair absentmindedly and asked what was wrong.

"Hermione, did you really marry secretly one of my brothers?" asked Ginny seriously, but secretly approving.

Immediately, Hermione crisped her hand and George, now well-awake, let out a pained moan.

"Watch it, 'Mione, that hurt, ya know."

"Sorry…And…yes, Ginny."

She let out a long sigh and said she'd better go and explain everything to Mrs Weasley. The twins, then Ginny, then the rest of the family followed, except Ron who was in the kitchen at the moment, and she felt safe, knowing she at least had the twins on her side. She greatly preferred having them on her side than against her.

Gathering all her courage for the explosion she knew would come, she opened the door.

"You fell for a prankster, dear, didn't you?" asked right away Mrs Weasley.

Hermione didn't bother to lie but winced internally when she saw the reddening face of Ron.

"Yes."

"I had a feeling this might happen. Which one?"

She mentally counted to three and said the words that would activate the bomb that was Molly Weasley, for although she had seemed relatively calm, _that_ revelations would surely create a pandemonium, especially since she would have to convince her that she was sure of her choice and that it was right for her. So she took a deep breath and let the words slip past her lips.

"Both, actually."


	2. Aftermath

Ok, I know it's been a long time, but hey, I had many things to do and I didn't intend to continue my one-shot, so bear with me. And keep in mind that I had to work fast to get this ready for St-Valentine's Day, ok? So please don't be too hard on me with your reviews…Enjoy your reading.

There was a long moment of tensed silence before the incredulous faces of Ron and Mrs. Weasley changed to a nice burgundy color. Then a furious howl echoed in the house and made its foundations tremble.

"WHAT?!"

Clearly the Weasley matriarch thought she was mental. Ron was not any better, his hands fisted at his sides and his eyes carrying a murderous intent toward his twin brothers.

"Hermione, dear…are you sure you didn't take any of their products by accident?" asked Molly.

"Of course I didn't! I know better than that!" cried Hermione, appalled.

"Hey!" said the twins in mock hurt.

"What? It's true!" said everyone.

"May we remind you, sweet Hermione, that you rather liked our inventions on our wedding night?" said Fred mischievously.

"Yes, seeing you scream in the throes of passion was quite a delectable event," added George.

"How right you are, my dear twin! Her white neck so exposed…"

"Peppered with hickies…"

"What a fabulous sight…"

Both twins sighed in loving remembrance while Hermione flushed under the gazes of every other members of the Weasley family who seemed to be trying to see if she had any hickies left on her neck. All except Ron who was looking down her cleavage. Noticing that, she covered her chest indignantly, which brought the twins' attention back to her. They then proceeded to glare a hole through Ron's head, an action that was duly copied, though with less effectiveness, by the younger brother.

"Say, Ronnikins, how long do you plan on looking at _our_ wife's cleavage? I'll let you know that her boobs belong to Gred and I."

Hermione, if possible, grew an ever darker shade of red and spluttered indignantly.

"What in hell?! If my chest belongs to anyone, I think it is safe to say that it is mine! Maybe I should make you remember that I belong to no one!" she seethed.

"Of course not, dearest brainiac," said George with a winning smile.

"If you did, it would be much less fun," continued Fred charmingly.

"Oh no you don't!" growled Hermione. "You won't talk yourself out of this! You―_both of you_― are the ones who convinced me― I still wonder how―to marry both you two crazy pranksters and I expect you to explain this to your family! "

Mr Weasley chuckled, muttering "Aaah…Young love…" with a smile and a faraway look in his eyes.

"So you did this of your own will, Hermione? You're sure?" asked Mrs. Weasley worriedly.

Before Hermione could even answer, Ron cut her off, yelling: "Of course she didn't! They must have got her drunk then slept together and now that she's pregnant, she doesn't know who the father is, so she had no choice but to marry them both!"

Hermione went red in the face and seemed to choke. With a strangled moan, she collapsed, unconscious, on the floor. Apparently, that betrayal on Ron's part was too much for her to take.

Ginny plopped down next to her to check if she hadn't hurt herself while giving Ron the darkest glare she could muster. _Git._

Fortunately for Hermione, her husbands took out their wands in unison and pointed them at Ron, a serious and dark look etched onto their handsome faces, sign that they were utterly serious.

"We had, have and always have the purest intents toward Hermione. When she married us of her own accord, she knew very well what she was getting into and her virtue was intact. Furthermore, we would _never_ get a woman drunk to get her to sleep with us. We don't know where you got that idea, except if that's something you've done yourself, but we have a better self-confidence than that in our charm. Hermione is exceptional and wouldn't do something she didn't want to and _certainly_ wouldn't get drunk! We love her, dammit! Is that so difficult to understand? Or can't you just believe that she would choose us over you?"

They finished their rant, breathing hard, nostrils flaring, and waited for their terrified brother to speak.

"But…She was supposed to love me! She was mine! You stole her from me, like you always steal everything else that I like!" he whined.

Hermione, who was beginning to wake up, gasped in outrage at his words.

"RONALD WEASLEY! HOW DARE YOU STATE WHO I CAN LOVE! I'M NOT SOME _THING_ YOU CAN CONTROL! I DON'T BELONG TO ANYONE AND CERTAINLY NOT TO YOU! AND FRED AND GEORGE NEVER STOLE ME BECAUSE I WASN'T WITH YOU FROM THE BEGINNING! HOW CAN YOU THINK THAT I WOULD PREFER TO BE WITH YOU, WHO'S ALWAYS ARGUING WITH ME OVER STUPID THINGS, WHILE I CAN DEBATE AND HAVE FUN AND LAUGH WITH YOUR BROTHERS?! AND YOU DOUBT MY PURITY, ON TOP OF THAT! YOU'RE DESPICABLE!"

She finally calmed down, Mrs. Weasley giving her a look of admiration(apparently, she was proud that her new daughter-in-law had adopted her temper and capacity of yelling someone down) and Ron cowing away, eyes wide in terror.

"Ah, dear, I couldn't be more proud of you! You're so strong! And with that temper, you'll definitely be able to reign in your husbands," said a teary Mrs. Weasley. "Now, I haven't have the chance to arrange your wedding, so, to compensate, when are you going to give me numerous grandchildren? Can I see your planner?"

The threesome gasped loudly." _PLANNER?!_"


	3. Valentine's Day Troubles

As per popular request, here is the third part of this story! At the beginning, I wasn't even supposed to write a second part, so you're lucky, everyone, that I managed to scrap something out of my head for you! I really had no idea of what else I could write about this story, but you kept pestering me for more and, about three days ago, an idea began to swirl and develop in my head. And I thought 'hey, why not give it a shot?' So, anyway, I did not have much time before now, so forgive me if I'm late for Valentine's Day and note that this was written in about one hour, so if ever you don't find it funny, or even plain crappy, blame it on that, 'cause I usually work much more on my chapters before posting them. Don't expect another chapter to this story. It can be considered finished, though if ever inspiration decides to kick me in the head, I may add a chapter or two more. Enjoy, everyone, and please R&R!

FGHFGHFGHFGHFGHFGHFGHFGH

"Ronald, Hermione and her husbands aren't here yet. I fear that they may have slept in. Will you go make sure they're coming over?"

"Sure, Mom. I'm going."

A few minutes later, he stood in front of Weasley's Wizarding Wheezes and opened the door to step into utter chaos. Apparently, the shop was _quite_ popular for Valentine's Day. He shook his head when he saw that neither his brothers nor their wife was present to help their poor overwhelmed assistant. With a pointed look at said assistant, he went past the counter to the stairs behind leading to the twins' loft.

"Oh, Ron?"

He stopped on the first stair and gave his attention to Victoria, who was in the middle of a sale.

"I'd knock before I enter, if I were you. The bosses expressed their desire not to be disturbed for the day, unless it was urgent, so…I think it would be more prudent, y'know?"

"Thanks, Victoria. I'll be sure to."

With a nod from both parties, they went back to their previous activities.

Within minutes, he was standing in a deserted apartment.

"They better not be still in bed," muttered Ron. "I really don't need to see them in that way."

With a sigh, he headed to the bedroom whose door was closed ominously. At the last moment before knocking, he turned around and went back to the living room. Once he was there, he berated himself for being such a coward and changed directions once again. After a few times of this routine, back in the living room, he put his head in his hands and proceeded to yank his hair painfully.

_Coward, coward…What are you afraid of? Come on, you know you want to know what's going on behind that door…_

"I don't want to see them that way!" whispered Ron harshly.

_Who says you have to _see_ them…You could just listen to them…Extendable ears were invented for a reason, you know…_

His will crumbling, Ron slipped an extendable ear from his pocket.

"I have a bad feeling about this…It'll come biting me in the ass for sure. But if I come back alone, Mom'll bite my head off or serve my ass for diner. Any way I see it, I'm screwed. This may be the least evil of the two."

Barely breathing, he waited for the sounds that would no doubt come to haunt him for eternity.

"Wow, that's amazing!" exclaimed Hermione's voice.

"Isn't it, babe?" answered a tired but amused male voice. Was it Fred's of George's?

"I didn't know it could become so _huge_…What have you done to it, anyway? I'm not sure it's healthy…" she giggled.

"Aha! That's a secret, dear! Just enjoy, will you? After all, if we worked so hard, we better enjoy our money's worth!"

"You know you will enjoy it just as much as me, Fred!" said Hermione.

"Of course. And even more if you keep doing _that_," he moaned. "Oh gosh, baby, don't stop, you don't know how much of a turn-on this is…"

"Oh, I think I know it pretty well, wouldn't you say so, George?"

"All I know is that if you continue doing that, I will not be held responsible for my actions."

"Hm hm."

Silence for a moment. Then a loud moan and a groan.

"George, did she just lick it?"

"I think she did, Fred."

"Oh Merlin in flowery panties! She'll cause my death!"

"That tastes _so good_… like the darkest chocolate ever…"

_What the hell?!_

Ron gulped nervously. Since when was Hermione capable of using such a sexy voice? Should he step in before things went too far and they were _really_ late for the traditional Weasley dinner of Valentine's Day?

Against all odds, he decided to stay. Maybe he _was_ a pervert, after all?

"Wow, that was hot…"

"It's tender and warm and just so _wow_…"

"Yeah, well, it seems sticky, too, now," chuckled one of the twins. "How would you say it is?"

"Hm…Probably the best damn thing I've ever tasted."

"Good, 'cause I have one for you, too!"

"Waaah, really?"

He was going to have a nosebleed, he was sure of it. And how the hell did she manage to sound so excited at the prospect of doing _that_, and at this time, too? They were supposed to be at the Burrow, dammit! He had to stop it, and stop it _NOW_!

Without pausing to think about the eventual repercussions this could have on his innocence or his sanity, he strode to the door and pushed it open. The bang of the door against the wall was suddenly the only sound that could be heard in the apartment before Hermione, eyes narrowed, got up from where she was sitting on the floor. Behind her, the twins, sprawled debauchedly on the bed, were giving him identical looks of 'you're so screwed, man' while managing to look perfectly innocent.

"Hello, Ronald," whispered the young woman dangerously. "Mind telling me _why_ you saw fit to interrupt me and my husbands' time for Valentine's Day gifts in your usual tactless manner? And is that an extendable ear I see?"

"W-well, you see, I…I heard, and I thought, you know, that they–and you– were having se–"

"Among married couples, Ronald–"

"Actually, that would be a threesome in your case–" managed to squeak the young man before Hermione's eyes were reduced to an even more dangerous line, shutting him up immediately.

"As I was _saying_, that would be called making love, not that it's any of your business what my husbands and I do in _our_ bedroom in _our_ apartment! Now get out. Out, out! Before I forget that you're my friend and do something that I may–or may not, depending on you– regret!"

Ron, almost seeing the murderous aura swirling around his friend, promptly apparated out of the apartment, leaving behind two laughing redheads, a furious lioness of a woman and a gigantic chocolate heart laying innocently on the floor, barely attacked, as shown by the teeth marks that a certain woman had put there before being interrupted rudely as she was beginning her snack.

"I swear, that man," she huffed indignantly. "One day, he'll have to get his mind out of the gutter!"


	4. Christmas Fun

Really, as much as she loved her students, Hermione could not wait to be free of them for Christmas. Fortunately, tonight was the last day before they took the Hogwarts Express, tomorrow morning, to get back to their families. Such as she longed to do. In truth, while Fred and George had a branch of their amazingly popular shop–she would know, she often had to confiscate their products from students of all houses–in Hogsmead, she did not see them as often as she would like, as work seemed to pile up whenever she had her attention elsewhere. Of course, that had brought her husbands to invade her classroom once, whining and pouting, she remembered with a chuckle.

"_Now, if you add this particular rune to the equation, can anyone tell me what changes it would make and why? Yes, Mr. Goodfellow?"_

_At that point in time, her classroom door banged open, making her reflexively whip out her wand–a war is not forgotten that easily._

"_Ah, Arithmancy! Dear me, Forge, I think this is my favorite subject at the moment!"_

_The other red-haired twin continued exuberantly, "My, my, Gred, so it is! And mine too! Oh glorious day!"_

_They both wiped false tears out of their eyes, arms thrown around each other, while the class looked at them, enraptured by their idols. Meanwhile, Hermione's hand was twitching, and she had to forcefully restrain herself from using the wand she was currently twiddling in her fingers._

"_Oh glorious goddess of Arithmancy, Hermione, we hereby pledge our allegiance to thee! May you rule eternally over runes and numbers!" they melodramatically declared, getting on one knee simultaneously. "You who saved us during the war, letting us share a cot in a tent while on the run, never revealing to the other that we could not sleep alone! You who held our heads to your tender bosom and twisted our ears whenever we tested our products on poor, unsuspecting students! Nobody could look sexier than you in that see-through nightie you bought last month!"_

_Going red in the face, she snapped. With a swish of her wand, the two pranksters found themselves kicked out of her classroom, the door flicking shut after them, and could only stare at the wood panel, still sitting on their ass._

"_Count yourselves lucky I'm not emasculating you two!" she yelled. "You both can sleep on the couch for a month, and no, I don't care if you find it lumpy!" she ranted, not letting them answer._

"_Err…Professor, what's your relationship with them?" asked a little muggleborn witch. "Why would they interrupt you class? I mean, they're awesome and all, but…"_

_Everyone else looked at her as though she was nuts._

"_They. Are. Fools." she answered frigidly._

_From behind the door, she could hear their muffled voices come through and it was not difficult to imagine them huddled to the door, trying to hear with their Extendable Ears what was happening inside the classroom._

"_But…Is that true, the part about letting them sleep with you when they were afraid to be alone and stuff?"_

"_Hey, Daniels, don't you ever read the Daily Prophet? They're–"_

"_Hermione, love, you're the best wife any wizard could ask for!" came the voices of the identical men behind the door. "Please have dinner with us tonight at that new Grecian restaurant that opened in Hogsmead!"_

"_I said, no sex for you for one month, you idiotic–"_

"_But what about dinner?"_

"_Grecian is your favorite, too!"_

Damn conniving bastards. Damn them for knowing her like this.

_Growling, she stalked to the door, plucked the Extendable Ears from the floor and flung the heavy wooden door open, looking through slits at the two wizards that came tumbling into the room._

"_You and I are going to have a long discussion about timely manner, boys. To my rooms, _NOW!_"_

She shook her head ruefully. As much as they drove her crazy at times, she loved her boys. They loved playing pranks and their antics were often immature, but that was part of them and thus, she could endure it all. All for them. And the worst was that they knew it. Oh well, they were as crazy about her as she was about them. And they knew it.

And tonight, all she wished for was to get back to them and partake in a bout of hot, sweaty sex. Preferably on a fur rug in front of the fire in their flat.

_Whoah! I must miss them more than I thought._

For the second time in as many minutes, she shook her head. Really, she had to see them soon, it had been too long since she had seen them and, although some cruel tongues liked to say it was just the fantasy of "doing it with smexy identical twins", all three of them truly loved one another.

Oh well. She only had one night left. It couldn't be so bad, now, could it?

_Way to jinx myself_, she thought a moment later when fireworks exploded brightly in the Great Hall. As she got up to try to ensure none would leave the hall to wander brightly the hallways–oh yes, that could and would happen if no one did anything to stop it, she knew that particular sort of fireworks– twin arms looped around her waist and she felt twin sets of lips on her cheeks at the same time. A smile bloomed on her face.

"What are you two doing here?" she asked amusedly.

"Couldn't leave our great witch by herself, now, could we?"

"Certainly not, Gred. And time goes by so slowly without you that we had to come!"

"Oh, really?" she asked breathily, an eyebrow raising.

"Yes! We have come to save the fair maiden from the castle in which she was kept prisoner for way too long!" announced one twin, jumping on the Head Table, to yells of approval and catcalls from the students.

"And now, we will ride into the sunset with her, as we kidnap her and take her onto our valiant stallions!" proclaimed the other, continuing joyously with their theatrics.

With that, they took her bridal style in their arms and occasionally switching, ran out of the castle.

In the Great Hall, everyone could hear an "I'll have you know it's night, boys! Revise your fairytale endings!" followed by a "Ah, but it's not night everywhere! It's sunset where we're going, love!"

Chuckles, then: "Alright, get me there, my knights in shining armour!"

The students and professors could only laugh. Really, those twins would never change.

"Ah, what I wouldn't do to have studs like those kidnap me…" wished a few girls out loud. The guys groaned. Great, now those two had made it just _that_ bit harder to impress the girls. Life wasn't fair. At least it was Christmas. Everything could wait until presents were opened in two days' time.

So, I wasn't really planning on updating this fic until a few weeks ago when I thought about Fred and George kidnapping Hermione from the Great Hall, and then I received a nice review from HarryPotter 74 twilight that compelled me to write this little baby. Hope you enjoyed. Merry Christmas, everyone!


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